KAIZEN FOR LIFE

Grief is such a strange thing. For me, it began with pretty much non stop crying and feeling like part of my soul had been ripped out of me. Then it evolved to bursts of crying at random points. Now I feel kind of manic and out of place and just sad. I don’t think about it all the time – when I’m distracted (which I try to be as much as humanly possible), I’m fine and I just go about my day. It’s when I come home or I go somewhere, do something, see someone that reminds me that my gorgeous girl is no longer here that I feel my heart break all over again.

I haven’t felt emotions like these in a long time so feeling them has been a shock and taken me back, I’ve felt less motivated, been less disciplined, don’t want to do anything, less creative.

I just miss her so much and it hurts. It hurts that I can never see her again in this lifetime and I keep forgetting that she is no longer here. I go home expecting her to greet me and she’s not there. I know I will get used to it eventually but the fact is I don’t want to, I want her back. Unfortunately, I can’t and that just sucks.

Grief is so hard to understand and to navigate. On one hand, it’s good that I can be distracted because then I can be productive, do what I enjoy and not feel sad. On the other hand, that makes me feel guilty for not thinking about her and missing her and I wonder if distracting myself all the time is allowing me to work through my emotions. Then when I do feel sad and sometimes let it consume me, I feel guilty for being sad and not appreciating what I have and being productive with my time. This is definitely a navigation process that will take quite some time.

Right now, I think I may be in my version of denial. I know that she’s gone but I’m not sure that my brain quite believes it or has comprehended it truly. I still think I’m going to wake up and be able to hug her BUT I CANT.

I’m really just spilling my brain out today because it feels so messy so apologies.